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by Chris Morris:


REPAIRMAN: Mr Reilly? 

MAN: Yeah? 

REPAIRMAN: I've come about the television. 

MAN: Oh, right, yeah, come in. 

REPAIRMAN: Brand new one? 

MAN: Yeah. 

REPAIRMAN: But not working? 

MAN: Well, it's working; but it's full of lizards. 

REPAIRMAN: Lizards? 

MAN: Come and have a look. It's through here. Man's come to fix the telly, love. 

WOMAN: About time, it's a bloody mess. 

MAN: Well? Probably need a replacement, won't it? 

REPAIRMAN: Mm... No... 

MAN: No? 

REPAIRMAN: It seems to be set up properly. 

MAN: Well, yeah, but I mean, it's full of lizards. 

REPAIRMAN: It's a good picture. 

WOMAN: I'm not having a TV pouring lizards into my house. 

REPAIRMAN: Well, you see, they're not really anything to do with me, strictly. 

WOMAN: Yes, they are! It's a brand new television, it's not supposed to have 
       lizards in it. 

REPAIRMAN: You see, it doesn't say anything at all about lizards here. 

MAN: Well of course it bloody doesn't! They're not meant to be there, are 

REPAIRMAN: Have you checked with the cable company, sir? 

WOMAN: Well, it's nothing to do with them! 

REPAIRMAN: Have you checked with the cable company? 

MAN: No, we haven't! 


REPAIRMAN: Well, all I can say is that I do suggest you do try them, 
           and maybe they'll be able to help you. 

WOMAN: What, are you saying that the cable company's sending us lizards? 


WOMAN: What? 

REPAIRMAN: By mistake... the lizards... 

MAN: Hang on, look, mate. It's quite simple, right? You sold us the telly. 
     You delivered it, you set it up, and it starts pouring lizards! So we want 
     you to come up with a solution, right? It's quite simple! 

REPAIRMAN: Sweep them up. 

WOMAN: Sweep them up? 


WOMAN: Well, you sweep them up, then. 

REPAIRMAN: No, no, you sweep them up. 

WOMAN: What!? 

REPAIRMAN: As I keep saying, madam, they're not really anything to do with me. 

MAN: Is that all you can say!? Is it... "It's nothing to do with me." Is that it!? 

WOMAN: What? 

REPAIRMAN: Use windscreen wipers to wipe them off the screen. 

MAN: Look, this is fucking ridiculous! 

REPAIRMAN: There's no need to swear, sir. 
MAN: Look, I'll fucking swear in my own house if I want to! 

REPAIRMAN: There's no need. 

WOMAN: Right, what will your head office say when I tell them all about 
       your... uselessness at customer relations, eh? 

MAN: Yeah! 

REPAIRMAN: You did it. 

MAN: What was that!? 

REPAIRMAN: You did it... they'd say you did it. 

WOMAN: You what!? 

REPAIRMAN: Why, why did you... why did you fill your telly with lizards? 

MAN: I've told you, the lizards started coming out of that telly
     as soon as you'd set it up, right!? 

REPAIRMAN: You filled it with lizards. 

MAN: Right, I'm going to fucking get you sacked, mate! And that isn't 
     a threat, it's a promise, right! What's your name!? 

REPAIRMAN: It's Mr Lizard. 

MAN: W... Stop fucking me about! 

WOMAN: Fucking nincompoop. 

MAN: Come on, what is it!? 

REPAIRMAN: Mr Lizard. 

WOMAN: Right, what's your boss' name? 

REPAIRMAN: Another Mr Lizard. 

MAN: Stop it! Fucking stop it! 

REPAIRMAN: Mr Lizar-d. Heh, heh, heh, heh! 

MAN: Stop it! Come back in here! Where do you think you're going!? 

REPAIRMAN: Ha, ha! Lizard, lizard! 


WOMAN: Come on... 

MAN: (sobs) 

WOMAN: Stop it. 

MAN: (sobs) 

WOMAN: Stop it! 

MAN: Ow! (sobs) 


MAN: (wails) 


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